I was in my early thirties when I began to wonder if the death of my parents’ marriage had actually instigated the death spiral of my own. After fourteen years of marriage, I was stuck in a loop of feelings and behaviors that demanded examination before I crashed and disintegrated irretrevably.
I began asking the question of how could an event about which I had no say-so, which had occurred when I was a teenager, have anything to do with my current state of unravelling?
Following my recurring thought streams, this is what I found:
Fear of abadonment
Every imperfection noticed starts the you’re-leaving-me-clock
Then, I start living from I’m-so-angry-you’re-leaving-me!!!
Followed by fighting
“Generalized anger disorder” takes over
Thoughts like “I’m gonna end up alone like my mom” and “I have to take care of myself” take over
Somewhere deep inside the rejection meme begins to play:
“He figured out you’re not worth the work, just like Dad did.”
Oh, consciously, I’d argue like hell against that thought with evidence like—Dad was just weak; He lost his faith; He just wasn’t strong enough to resist the flirtations of a younger woman….
But nagging underneath that splendid rebuttal was the rhythmic beat of the rejection-drum
You’ll never be loved unconditionally
You gotta work harder to make things perfect
Never let him see how much you need
It’s a terrifying place to live….it’s depression fodder….it’s consuming
It’s living each day expecting the end of all things good and comforting
…of all that is stable and secure
…all that is loving and patient
It is screaming inside
LOVE ME BROKEN!!!
SEE ME AS GOOD ENOUGH!!
Tell me it’s gonna be OK, even if its not perfect.
Anyone else ever feel like this? Ever think it could be linked with your parents’ divorce? I’d like to hear about it in the comments section.
It can be a self-fulfilling stream of thought but it doesn’t have to be. Change is possible. I can help. Call me 855-255-5993 or send me an email firstname.lastname@example.org
Next post: How I stopped the rejection meme